Pissed Pixies, Loser Leprechauns, and Nympho Nuns

Sid lived in a normal bedroom, in a normal house, on a normal street. The normalcy of these places were filled with the boredom that plagues the average person’s life. The boredom consisted of large amounts of time spent watching the television which is in fact what Sid was doing when our stories hero finally got around to speaking to him. Sid was sitting on his rather uncomfortable floral patterned couch, but the hypnosis the television caused allowed him to ignore this fact. The ache in his rear end had dulled away into a nothingness that would not break his concentration.

He was alone in the living room, as he usually was. This type of pointless fact usually deters from a story, but in this instance, being alone is of the utmost importance. Because what logical nature spirit would appear to a person if they were not alone. The last thing this creature wanted was to be mocked and shoved back across the dimensional barrier he just traveled through.

Sid stared intently with no real thoughts going through his head as the words poured from the speakers. “Sid Stelivose. You are a lazy slob. You have done nothing of worth for the last ten years.” The words did not register. Sid was engrossed in the programming and the fact that his name had been mentioned did not phase him. The television went to static and white noise, which was odd since the transmission was digital.

The classic white noise broke Sid of his trance. He grunted as he got to his ancient thirty year old feet to go inspect the television of which he had no real knowledge how to fix. It was an instinct. As a man he felt that if he looked at the wires and made thudding noises against the box it would react to his masculine advances and return to his program.

“SID!” This time the words breaking the crackling noise of the static caught his attention.

Sid looked at the television in confused interest and noticed a small man on the screen. He was old and green, which Sid chalked up to the color balance being off on his set. Long white hair and a long white beard hung to the man’s waist covering his toga. The man’s feet were adorned with golden slippers that almost hurt Sid’s eyes.

“Sid, you are a slob.” The little green man said again letting his voice boom with ominous mystery.

Sid, baffled by what was happening, sat on his knees in front of the set and began to press the buttons to change the color of the man.

“SID!!!!! Pay attention! What are you doing?” The man was reading the menu that popped up in front of his face.

“You are green. I can’t take it when the pictures on the TV are discolored.” Sid said these words without the actual recognition that he was talking to his television.

“Yes, I am green. Stop it! Close that menu. I have to speak to you!”

Sid stopped what he was doing and started to look around his living room. Checking under the couch and on the ceiling for a hidden camera or some idiotic friend that thought this was hilarious.

“Seriously! HEY! I’m over here!” The green man was becoming impatient.

Sid slowly turned his head back to the screen, pacing his breathing and holding his hand flat and outstretched. “I…” He stuttered. “You are in my….” Sentences did not seem to make sense as he tried to form them.

“Yes, yes, I know. I am in the TV which is strange, but I have to give you a prophetic vision and since the television came around this is the simplest way. I’ve tried appearing to people in their sleep but they think I am a dream. I’ve tried appearing to people in their mirrors, but it seems to cause them an irrational fear of mirrors. Now, truthfully everything was easier when people had to go out to the woods and gather firewood or harvest grain and I could show up as a cloud of smoke, but nowadays I set off smoke detectors in houses and no one spends anytime outside. So, here I am, in your tv.” These words quickly went from distinct prophetic overtones to random mumblings of an annoyed supernatural being.

“What do you want with me?” Sid stammered letting his mind wander to the most farfetched ideas that he could muster.

“Calm down. I am here to give you a prophecy. Maybe put a little meaning into your life.” There was no response and the man nodded.

Suddenly the screen turned to an image of a wasteland, a town with decrepit buildings slanting over a cracked Earth. Dust filled the darkened air as roaches scurried through the destroyed city. The man’s voice returned to the ominous bass filled tone that he had tried to use earlier. “Sid Stelivose. You are a lazy slob. You have done nothing of worth for the last ten years. Your lack of self worth is endangering the world and track for all humankind. You were chosen to give a great gift to this world and if you do not change your ways you will not deliver and the world will wither and die due to your negligence.”

Sid heard the words, but his confusion outweighed his attention span. “Are you God?”

“Are you serious? You really think that God, the most powerful entity in all of existence and non existence would be a short green guy? NO! I am not God. I am a leprechaun attempting to move to the next level.” He was flustered now.

“The next level? A leprechaun?” Things were quickly running away from reality at this point. Sid got to his feet and started looking out his window for cameras.

“Hey, stop that! What are you doing? Pay attention!” The television shut off and the leprechaun appeared in the room standing next to Sid.

Sid was preoccupied now with his gazing out the window, but a quick and surprisingly strong kick to his ankle by the three inch man refocused him.

“OW! What the hell? How did you get out of the tv?”

“How did I get out? You don’t ask how I got in? Where is the logic, Sid?” The little man, now turning red, physically, with frustration grabbed onto Sid’s pant leg and climbed up his clothes until he was on his shoulder.

Sid looked at the now red thing sitting on shoulder, “Are you the little devil that tells me bad things? Where is the angel that sits on my other shoulder?”

“This world is doomed! That is from cartoons! I am a leprechaun! Not a devil! Not an angel! Now listen to me!!!” He got to his feet as if to bring some stature to his tiny body and let his voice resume the thunderous tone of a movie trailer. “Sid. You are wasting your life and squandering the world’s good future. It is your mission in this life to become a world renowned poet. To compose the most beautiful rhymes and lyrics that shall one day inspire peace among all nations.”

The little man watched as the words hit Sid’s psyche and a new excitement spread across his face. “So, I am to inspire peace on Earth?” The words came out slow and cracked as a tear came to his eye.

“We are watching and mankind depends on you.” With those words the leprechaun raised his arm causing a glittery cloud to cover him and he was gone.

Now, of course, the leprechaun did not actually disappear, he just went back across his dimensional gap to the reality he lived in. And in his view of the world, it was Sid, his living room, his house, his street, his entire existence that disappeared.

Mealvadev grumbled to himself, “Why do I get assigned all these lazy lowlifes that have no potential.” The little man now fully back in his own plane of existence went to his chalk board and put a check next to Sid Stelivose. That was one down and ten more to go. If he did not keep those eleven on track by the end of the week he would be demoted. The last thing he wanted was to be demoted back down to fairy.

Fairies were beautiful creatures that could make the human dimension pretty. They showed up attracted butterflies and dew and then went about their way. They were there to help to children realize that the world was not a horrible place, but a marvelous wonder of nature. Mealvadev disliked being a fairy and thanks to his lack of work ethic had been one for almost ten years prior to being promoted to leprechaun. Prior to that he spent five years as a garden gnome, which was largely spent on a store shelf waiting to be put in a garden.

He had grand aspirations of becoming a dragon, which was still two levels above him, but his lack of enthusiasm kept him down. At the rate he was going it would take him a century to become an elf and a millennium to become a dragon.

There was a knock on the door of his office. Mealvadev looked over to see his boss, Spralding entering the room.

Just to paint the picture, the office of Mealvadev was a simple room in a hollowed out tree. He had taken the initiative to bring in two chairs and one chalk board, but more or less it was no more impressive than the home of a cartoon squirrel.

Spralding looked at Mealvadev with contempt. His little voice squeaked out of his mouth, “Am I to understand that you told a man he would bring peace to the Earth? And that you did it by claiming to be a prophetic entity?”

Mealvadev nervously scratched his beard. “He was going no where!” His protests were welcomed by a shrill inducing shhhh.

“You are a leprechaun! We are here to make sure that humans stay productive. We do that with rainbows and gold! You are not authorized to claim to be a prophetic being!” Spralding was furious at his underling. Ever since Mealvadev was put under his department his numbers had dwindled. With the output Mealvadev had been providing, Spralding would never move into upper management. He would be a mid level leprechaun supervisor for the rest of his twenty thousand year life.

Mealvadev quickly came around the backside of his superior and put an arm around him. “Look, this will inspire him. He will be working hard on his shitty poetry to reach a ridiculous goal.” The little man smiled letting his stumpy teeth shine from behind the slightly green lips.

“This is why I should send you back down to be a fairy. That man will be productive for a couple days and then realize that he has no chance of bringing peace to the Earth. He will assume he has lost his mind and check himself into a mental institution where he will no longer be productive but a drain on society.” Spralding grunted with annoyance flinging Mealvadev’s arm off his shoulder. “Look, I am going to take over this man’s case. I will fix your mess up and keep our quota achievable. But, this is the last time!”

Mealvadev swallowed hard moving to the wall. He grazed his fingers along the grain of the tree’s interior. He had to focus on steadying his breathing and keep his balance as he prepared to hear the worst. “What are you trying to say…?” He paused as his lips snarled in the corners, “sir?”

Spralding fighting every instinct in his tiny body to not demote the leprechaun now. “I am saying that I am giving you one more shot. I am going to give you an assignment that I was going to take care of myself. I was going to use this one as my chance to get promoted but with all your failings I think that dream is gone.”

Mealvadev dropped his head in relief. He had not been cursed with another decade of attracting butterflies, not yet at least. “Thank you sir. What is the assignment? A drug addict that needs to be clean? An artist that has lost his inspiration? What?”

His boss laughed to himself. “No, Mealvadev. This job will either get you demoted for a century or will get you promoted immediately. It is not quite so simple. Julie Sandow is supposed to become the voice of reason in the world. She is less than a year away from preventing another World War. It is her words that is keep the leaders of the world from blowing each other to hell.”

The underling smirked, “So, I can use my world peace line this time and actually mean it?”

“Do whatever you want. We both know you won’t pull this off. I just need a big enough screw up to get you out of my department.” The man started to walk out of the tree.

“But, if I can do it.” Mealvadev let his voice boom a bit to make sure he got the man’s attention. “I will get promoted? To an elf?”

“You know that isn’t up to me, but if you pull it off I would be surprised to if you only became an elf.” With that the man was out the door.

Mealvadev fell to the ground overwhelmed by the possibility. His stomach fluttered as his mind produced visions of what could be if he got this assignment right. It didn’t seem to affect him at all that he had not been successful in an assignment since he had been working under Spralding. In fact his brain did not even consider the possibility that he may not be successful. In his view he was already promoted, which is why he went out to celebrate.

It didn’t take him long before he was guffawing at the idiocy of himself hammered in a bar just down the meadow from where he lived. The establishment was called the Monken Drunkey. It was run by the hottest nymph Mealvadev remembered seeing, but then again that was part of the mystique of a nymph.

With the side of his face pressed against the cool wood of the bar he shouted at one of the pixies serving behind the bar, “Where is Dina? How can I come to her bar without getting a glimpse of her?”

Roxie the pixie was annoyed with the request to see the owner, but it wasn’t against Mealvadev specifically. It was the fact that everyone who came in wanted to see her. As she looked down at the drunk leprechaun other patrons shouts for Dina echoed in her ear. She let her fingers graze lightly across the bar and come into Mealvadev’s view. “Why do you want to see her? You so hard up for some action that you need to fantasize about Dina when you get home tonight?” She let her voice drop half an octave to create a sultry voice as she leaned down to the green man.

Mealvadev’s eyes had glazed over not really noticing the pixie leaning over attempting to let him see down her loose leaf sewn shirt. He did not notice her light blue complexion glistening in the candle lights of the bar. He ignored her short red hair waving the tiniest bit in the light breeze. And, he did not register her teeth catching her top lip daring him to consider her sexuality. He instead stared through her as he mumbled his fantasy daydream. “I wish I didn’t have to just think about Dina tonight. I could really use her spending some quality time with me and my little…”

Roxie slammed her hand down on the bar both interrupting Mealvadev’s fantasy and sentence. “What the fuck Meal! I am standing here waiting for you to take me and all you can do is tell me you want my slutty boss? Fuck you!”

Mealvadev failed to read through the lines at what the bartender really wanted and assumed her sentence was meant to be taken literally. He picked his head up off the bar and let his teeth peek out over his thin lips. He brushed one hand through his beard and let the other drift over to the pixie’s fist which was still pushing hard into the wooden surface. His eyes bounced back and forth looking to lock with hers while any butterflies that normally lived in his belly moved down to his pelvic region.

He spoke with a sudden suave demeanor. “You know I’ve been looking at you. I just didn’t think you would be…”

She cut him off again. “Fuck you Mealvadev. Fuck You!” She turned her back to him pretending to pour a drink.

He shouted at her back hoping to fix to his most recent error, not realizing the embarrassment he might cause due to his drunken volume control. “Come on Roxie! I would kill to get under that skirt. What time you get off? I will make it worth your time! Scream like you’ve never screamed before.”

Enraged she returned her sight to his. The venom behind her grimace was unmistakable leaving Mealvadev no choice but to wish he was anywhere else.

She grabbed the leprechaun by his collar and pulled him half over the bar. She brought him nose to nose where he could feel the heat of the pixie’s anger. His feet were dangling above his chair and twitching as if to find somewhere to land. He tried to swallow but the girl’s hand was tightly wrapped around his collar pressing against his throat not allowing enough movement.

“You are just another prick trying to find a way to get off. I had a moment of weakness and I came on to you, but it will be the end of the God damned world before I let you touch me.” Her rage built as she took breaths in-between the words. She ignored Mealvadev’s squirms to shy away from the building heat in her hands and nose, a small side effect of Pixie Rage. “You need to go home and get away from me. Or go upstairs and find Dina, if you have some cash I’m sure she will fuck you. But if I ever catch you as much as glance at my tits, I swear to God…”

Her hands had built so much heat with her anger they singed through the little man’s collar. He fell to the ground smashing his already bulbous nose on the edge of the bar.

She looked over to see if she could see the leprechaun humiliated on the floor, but he was too small. She smirked, pleased with him receiving his comeuppance and turned around to return to her job. As she swung her body around, she ended up an inch away from Dina, her boss. Roxie froze in her spot trying to calculate how long the nymph had been standing behind her.

Dina swayed her neck and cocked her head to look at Roxie from multiple sides. Her movements were slow, purposeful and almost seductive. Roxie tried to push down all her emotions, but when faced with a nymph that is nearly impossible.

Dina whispered in the pixie’s ear. Roxie fell to her knees both in exasperation and being overwhelmed.





Chapter 2



The small room in the hollowed out tree came into view behind the brain piercing pain caused by the sunlight shining in through the entryway. Mealvadev tried to sit up, but the sloshing in his stomach mixed with the pounding behind his eyes made the movement impossible. He ran his hands through his beard trying to center himself past the discomfort of his late night drinking the night before.

He reached for whiskey bottle on the nightstand to ease his hangover. But when he opened the bottle and turned it to his mouth, nothing but a drop hit his tongue. He tossed the bottle across the room allowing a hollow thud to echo back to him. He grunted in acknowledgment that he had no choice, but to deal with his self-inflicted illness.

He took a deep breath and braced himself as he pushed his body into a sitting position, fighting his body’s instinct to expel anything he had ingested recently. He slowly opened his eyes to reveal his bedroom. It was not much different from his office. A small wooden room carved out of a tree. He had gone through the trouble of decorating it with some pictures pulled out of NymphXXX, his favorite ‘literary’ periodical. This was the only personality the room possessed other than his night table, essentially a small stump, his bed, another stump with a pile of soft leaves on top, and his whiskey bottle. True to his personal interest his whiskey bottle was the most intricate item in the room. In reality, it was the most intricate item in Mealvadev’s life.

His first assignment as a leprechaun had him visiting a woman who owned a whiskey distillery. He spent many hours on that first assignment, not because he needed to in order to reinvigorate the woman’s life, but because he was dragging around a whiskey barrel with him as he shot off rainbows that were supposed to inspire the woman.

During that assignment he managed to carve out four bottle quadrants from the whiskey barrel. On a later assignment where the rainbows were completely ignored he managed to assemble the four bottle quadrants and have a glass blower encase them in in glass. This of course was a deed committed under the false threat that Mealvadev was actually a demon that wanted to steal the glass blower’s soul, but he managed to get his bottle created nonetheless.

As his eyes opened to accept the pain of the new day sun. He immediately scanned the room for his treasured whiskey barrel whiskey bottle. It luckily was not by the sunlight filled entryway. He moved his eyes over to the side where he expected to find the glistening body of Genevieve, last year’s nymph of the year. But, instead of the inviting naked body of an unbearably attractive nymph he locked eyes with a pixie who was still exuding smoke from what Mealvadev assumed was a very long night of being angry. He did not remember what he had said to her, but the burn marks on his collar told him he had pissed her off one way or another. He closed his eyes trying to pretend that he had not seen her, but it was no use.

Roxie screamed louder than she thought possible, “Good morning jackass!”

The words bounced off the walls and attacked his skull from every which way. His tiny hands flew up to hold the pounding of his hangover inside of his cranium.

Roxie smirked at the leprechaun’s pain and walked over to him with malice in her heart. She approached her patron who still had his eyes closed and arms wrapped around his head looking like someone expecting to be struck upside his face. She leaned over bringing her lips to his ear. She whispered, “Thank you so much for getting under my skin last night. Although I avoided regretting having come onto a lowlife like you and did not end up doing something stupid like waking up here nauseated from the things I let you do to me. Instead I only…” She paused as she prepared to raise her volume again. “I only LOST MY FUCKING JOB!”

In an attempt to get the pixie to give him a moment of peace me managed to croak out, “Why don’t you go back to the field and play pranks?” It was a stupid question. Even though pixies were assigned jobs to play pranks on children who had become out of control and trick them into behaving, Mealvadev knew that any nature spirit who had taken a job in this dimension had accepted their form and could no longer accept jobs in the human world. They were destined to be the spirit they were for the rest of their lives.

“Take a job? Are you serious? I hung up my wings years ago when I took the job at the Monken Drunkey!” She screamed back at the cowering man as she unleashed a barrage of slaps to the back of his head. “You know damn well I can’t do that.”

Mealvadev fell to the floor scampering from the blows. “Look, I’m sorry, I don’t even remember what happened.”

Roxie could have used that moment to guilt trip the leprechaun beyond repair, she could have had him indebted to her for life, but her anger left her without a plan of attack. “You pissed me off and got me fired. That’s what happened.”

“Sounds like you kind of did it to yourself.”

Roxie fell to her knees and resumed her flurry of slaps to his head. It was as if an adult was battering a child, even on her knees he would not stand as tall as she sat. “I had a moment of weakness and came on to you. And all you could do was talk about how much you wanted Dina.”

Even through the sickening haze of a hangover Mealvadev grabbed onto the idea that Roxie had come on to him. “Baby, baby, stop for a second.” The smacks subsided as Roxie raised an eyebrow at the little man. “I was drunk. I would never have done such a horrible thing if I was thinking properly. Forget Dina, she is nothing compared to you.” He had barely finished his sentence when the slaps came back with a vengeance.

Roxie yelled as her arms flailed wildly at her target. “I... Want… No… Part… Of… You…” Her anger rose to the point that smoke came from her lips as each word was forced out. “I… Wouldn’t… Sleep… With… You… For… All the security… In… The… World!”

Mealvadev escaped her bombardment and crawled to his whiskey bottle. He grasped the bottle and kept an eye on the pixie hoping he was safe for a few minutes. “Look, I’m sorry. It doesn’t sound like my fault, but what can I do to help?”

Roxie sat back on her heels and dropped her head in defeat. Her blue skin almost sizzled as she let her anger dwindle leaving a slight stench of burned hair throughout the room. “I came here because Dina was the one who gave me my apartment. Without my job I’m homeless. Since it is your fault, I am living here now. Until we find me a new job and a new place I am going to be your new shadow.”

He was curled up against the wall looking like a toddler and his whiskey bottle his teddy bear. He sat up a bit and looked at the pixie. He felt for her. He did not understand how he was responsible for her losing her job, but he felt bad regardless. With his head still pounding, he heart racing, his stomach wanting to heave, he looked at the smoldering red haired girl and thought, ‘there could be worse things than having a cute pixie following me around.’

He got to his feet and walked over to the girl. Taking her hand he said to her, “I am truly sorry. We can figure this out.”

She looked into his eyes allowing a tear to form behind her soft hazel eyes. Just as she was about to thank him and give him a huge embrace, he lurched forward and vomited down her shirt.

Another fight ensued. A brawl between two tiny spirits in another dimension. But, after the punches and kicks, after the apologies and torturous headaches, after the sexually charged suggestions of removing puke splattered clothing, there sat an alcoholic leprechaun and blue pixie with anger management issue.

After hours of back and forth Mealvadev found himself wandering into his office with Roxie quickly in tow. In the small room he found the file for his next assignment on one of his chairs. He remembered that he had a very important assignment that could possibly get him to his dragon promotion, but the drinking the night before seemed to erase his knowledge of what that assignment was.

He grabbed the small manilla folder with Roxie peering over his shoulder. The first page showed the picture of what appeared to be an average young woman. To the side it read,



Julie Sandow

Age: 24

Race: Caucasian

Destined Occupation: Nun

Status: Severely Off Track

Julie Sandow was destined to be one of the most important influences on the world in her time. Her birth plan had her being raised in a poor family. She was to have trouble in school and find solace in religion. After her twentieth birthday she was supposed to flunk out of high school and turn to the Catholic Church. There she would join a convent and quickly rise through the ranks and become the most influential nun in the world. She would spread the word of Christ through words and protests. Risking life and limb she would eventually gain the ear of the president of the United States. Through her kind words and brave actions she would inspire him to forgive his enemies and narrowly avoid a devastating world war.



He turned the page. The next page was a list of the nature spirits assignments to put her back on track. Each time a person fell off the track of the plan that was set for them at birth a different nature spirit would be assigned the task of getting them back on track. This girl had been assigned to 453 nature spirits. As Mealvadev flipped through the mass of pages about the assignments for her he realized that no one had ever been successful. She had fallen so far off track that 453 nature spirits failed at putting her back on her rightful journey.

Roxie began to snicker as she read through the failed assignments. She had never seen someone who had fallen so far away from her purpose in life. Still angry with the little leprechaun that she felt got her fired, she felt her revenge would come about just by watching him fail where everyone else had already.

“If you are going to laugh at my obstacles you can just go back to my place and wait for me to find you a job.” Mealvadev grunted over his shoulder trying to quell her chuckles.

Roxie smiled at his annoyance. She leaned in close to him and whispered in his ear, “I wouldn’t miss watching you fail at this for anything. I can’t wait to see you demoted back down to a little wimpy fairy.” Her joy was accentuated by her breath having moved from the scorching heat of her anger to an icy cold of her joy.

Mealvadev shivered from the chill of her words. “Fine. But that means you will need to keep up with me and stay out of the way. I am not going to slow down or risk my chance at being a dragon just to keep you safe. If you get lost in the human world it is your own fault.”

“Why do you want to be a dragon in the first place?” Her voice assumed her snarky attitude.

“Because I want to spend the rest of my life frightening villagers and destroying towns. Breathing fire and flying across the countryside sound like the way to live.” He looked the slender pixie up and down. “And at least I’m not a cute little prankster that will always be the second hottest spirit next to a nymph. If you really want to be desired why not wait until you are promoted to a nymph.” He realized that he might have crossed a line as the breath on his neck quickly warmed from an icy chill to to that of a burning steam.

“What did you say?” She grabbed his shoulders and turned the leprechaun around.

Looking into her fiery eyes he suddenly remembered the night before. He could hear her words that he skipped over to fantasize about her boss. He remembered her nearly burning neck as she twisted his collar. It all felt like a horrible nightmare. He looked at her and realized that although she wasn’t a nymph she did have a beautiful profile. Her strong cheekbones and her angular chin gave an amazing compliment to her short red hair. He looked at her pale blue skin and smiled. “That was over the line. You are a beautiful woman.” He felt her breath cooled on his neck. “But, if I am going to get my promotion I have to go to the human world.”

She took a couple steps back, “I’m ready. Let’s see how far off track this girl has fallen.”

“I’m a little afraid of that.” Mealvadev turned to face the pixie. “Are you ready?”

She nodded her head as he wrapped his short arms as far around her waist as he could manage. He closed his eyes and wrinkled his nose. He chanted quietly, “Julie Sandow. Julie Sandow.” Roxie looked up at the ceiling of the wooden room and watched it dissipate as they crossed the dimensional barrier into the human world where Julie Sandow was hard working at her current job.





Chapter 3



As the world became clear again and the two spirits knew they were safely across the dimensional gap their senses were quickly assaulted. It was dark, loud, and filled with the aroma of burning tobacco. Roxie did not know what to think, she had been in the human world many times, but it was always in homes and schools and fields and farms and beaches. She had never seen the inside of any type of business, much less one so obviously seedy.

Her eyes had trouble adjusting to the dim lighting. But, as she peered through her squints she began to make out what looked to be lots of living room furniture. She could see a bar in the corner and several groups of people sitting in recliners and couches randomly about the room.

A deep thudding resounded about the room shaking the small pixie to her tiny bones. “What the hell is that?” She screamed towards the ear of the leprechaun.

Mealvadev did not acknowledge her question. His eyes were wide in satisfaction, but also in fear. Knowing where he was, it was quickly becoming clear that he was not dealing with a simple assignment. He kept his words to himself hoping and praying that Julie Sandow was the bartender or the hostess.

Roxie tried to scream her question again, but was quickly cut off by a voice that overtook all other sound in the room, “Here she is, the crown jewel of the barefoot cabaret, the slut of sin, Sexy Cindy!”

It had been a long time since Mealvadev had been inside a strip club. As far as he knew there were none in the nature spirit realm so the only ones he had seen were in the human world where he took a few hours off of his assignment to experience naked, dancing women. Unfortunately when Sexy Cindy came prancing out on the elevated stage Mealvadev lost any enjoyment of the club as he realized that Cindy was actually Julie Sandow.

Roxie looked up past the men in the loungers grunting their approval of the next talent and saw Julie slowly swaying her hips to bone pounding beat of the music. The idea of the club did not make sense to her until Julie slowly peeled the skin tight dress down off her breasts to expose herself to all the men in the room. She leaned back over to Mealvadev and whispered, “That is your nun right?”

Again, no response, just a defeated leprechaun with his face in his hands trying to decide if he should be aroused or pissed off. A tear formed in the corner of his eye. He didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t get this right. He knew it would be a demotion, but how far? He couldn’t handle being a garden gnome again.

As Mealvadev silently sobbed about his misfortune, Roxie had let her curiosity get the better of her. She scampered across the dark burn acned carpets to get a better look at what was going on. She ducked under chairs, avoided the men and drink girl’s steps, and found herself a quiet and darkened corner. It felt safe enough to not be seen by the whole room so she spread her wings for the first time in years and took flight up towards the ceiling. From her new vantage point she could see the entirety of the club. It consisted of numerous girls who were lazily taking their clothes seeming uninterested in their activities while men were handing over large sums of money to them while they sat quietly and watched the women simulate sexual acts with them.

Roxie didn’t know what to think of it all. There appeared to be no sex, but the customers were handing money over as quickly as possible for what Roxie assumed must have been a frustrating experience. She continued to watch as Julie finished her dance and stepped off the stage. As she was making her way to a table full of well-dressed men she was stopped by a much younger man.

Roxie dove down towards the floor. She pulled up skimmed the surface of the carpet weaving in and out of chair legs narrowly missing severe injury more than once. She spun around slowing her momentum as she reached Julie and the man. She discreetly grabbed onto the man’s belt loop and suspended herself there so she could the conversation.

Julie seemed exasperated, “Look Nick, I am working we will have to deal with this later!”

The man trembled a bit as he tried to get his message across in hushed tones, “Babe, this can’t wait. Rack Boy and Gundy are pissed off. I know they are looking for me. If I don’t have their money I’m fucked. Let me hang out long enough for you to do a few dances. If I can have maybe fifty bucks maybe they won’t fucking kill me.”

Roxie looked up just in time to catch Julie wink and give a little wave to the table of nicely dressed men as she scolded Nick. Her face was saying give me two minutes and I’ll give you the time of your life, her voice was get the fuck away from me. “God damn it Nick! I can’t have you sitting and watching while some perverted loser. Get the fuck out of here and I will give some cash when I get home.” She started to walk past him, but he grabbed her shoulders stopping her momentum.

Nick’s voice raised in volume, “Fuck you! Did you not hear they are going to fucking kill me? You were smoking that shit with me, you owe me…”His voice trailed off into nothingness as a thick hand clamped down on his shoulder.

A very large bouncer stood behind nick suddenly breathing deep and loud sounding like a cross between a bear and Darth Vader. “Cindy. Is this boy bothering you?” His voice rattled Roxie’s head.

Julie looked back at the table of suited men and realized another dancer had beat her to them. Angry from her loss of business she looked up at the bouncer with a deadly serious stare. “You saw it. He fucking touched me. Get him the fuck away from me.”

Roxie flapped her wings and took flight just in time feel the air tossed about as the bouncer swiftly drug Nick away from Julie. The action was so quick and violent that Nick almost couldn’t get his feet on the ground while he was being pulled outside by his collarbone. Julie smirked to herself and pranced off to find a man’s lap to dance on.

Roxie fluttered down to the ground trying to make sense of what she had just heard. She landed gently on the ash covered carpet and slowly walked under the chairs to get back to Mealvadev. The leprechaun was still distraught. He leaned against the leg of a chair staring at the ground and shaking his head.

“I thought I was going to be promoted. It was going to be so easy.” Mealvadev muttered to himself feeling sorry for his situation.

Roxie looked over at the green man wallowing in his self pity and she felt aggravation. She stepped in close to him, reeled her hand back and slapped him across the face. It only took moments before the blood swelled to the skin leaving him with a christmasy complexion across his cheek. He looked up at the pixie with no retort but a shocked look.

“How can you be so useless?” The pixie let her anger boil with a bit of steam arising from her head. “Not only have you already given up on yourself, but worse you have given up on that girl!” She pointed to the side of the room where Julie was rubbing her bare breasts in a fat sweaty man’s face. “We are spirits, we are born to keep humanity on track. And you know that if this girl fails at her mission in life it will cause devastating consequences on the entire species. How can you sit there and worry about your own piddly problems when the world is at stake?”

Mealvadev slowly let his eyebrows fall and the corners of his mouth turn down. “I gave up? Fuck you! You spent what? Ten years? Twenty maybe, in the human world? You gave up on them to go be a bartender for a nymph. If you had given a shit about the human race you could have scored this assignment and maybe made a difference in the world. But no, you gave up for your own selfish reasons before I ever met you. So, don’t tell me I am being selfish!”

Roxie reeled back again to smack the little man across the face, but as her hand pulled back it was sent flying down to her waist as a humongous shoe slammed down millimeters from where she stood. The chair Mealvadev was leaning on slid away leaving him staring up at the ceiling and coincidentally straight into the eyes of the bouncer who had thrown out Nick.

Roxie and Mealvadev leapt to their feet and scampered towards the darkened corners of the club. The bouncer shook his head and blinked his eyes trying to reconcile what his eyes saw with what his brain said was possible. After a few seconds of disbelief he took a deep breath and started scanning the floor for the small creatures. He knew it had to be a couple of roaches as it was not uncommon to see them in the darkened rooms of the club, but that was just his mind trying to convince him the world was still home to the creatures he actually believed in.

He stayed at the back of the room not wanting to alert any of the patrons, but he slid chairs aside at a frantic pace desperate to find the two intruders. To the nature spirits it felt like a disaster movie. They ran at full pace across the carpet dodging between human legs, chair legs, and the occasional temporarily discarded bra. As they made it out from under a chair the bouncer would fling it to the side causing a deep rumbling across the carpet shaking the legs and stability of the two.

Each step left them feeling they were moments away from being crushed. They could hear and feel the bouncer’s steps gaining on them. Roxie grabbed Mealvadev’s hand and yanked him to the side moving under a chair that was not as concealed in the darkness of the corners. They watched as the bouncer passed them continuing to slide furniture around as he moved to the darker corners of the room.

The leprechaun stood bent over with his hands on his knees and panting. He was so out of shape he started to think he escaped being crushed to death just to hyperventilate.

Roxie a little out of breath was standing upright and peering across the room looking for Julie. “She is going to be working for a while. Why don’t we head back to our dimension while we wait for her? We aren’t getting anything done until she is alone anyway.” She stated rather matter of fact while staring at the white hair of the back of Mealvadev’s head.

Still hunched over he tilted his head to look at the girl with a rather incredulous look. “How long has it been since you were in the field?”

Roxie paused expecting the question to be rhetorical, but responded when he just sat there huffing. “Two hundred yea….”

Mealvadev cut her off, “Have you forgotten everything?” His first question had been rhetorical, but his lack of oxygen wouldn’t allow him very long speeches. “We don’t know when the deadline is for this. If we cross back over and the deadline passes I will fail the assignment.” Huff. Huff. Huff. “And then I’ll be demoted.” Puff. Puff. “And I will spend another couple years on a Walmart shelf as a garden gnome again.”

“Well, we know what happens if you fail. Nuclear war. I don’t see nuclear war so we have time.”

The leprechaun wasn’t having a pixie take over his assignment. “No. I am not risking missing the deadline on the other side. We are staying here until it is done!”

“Then we need to get out of this room. If the big fat guy finds us we are going to have to be scraped off his boot.”

The leprechaun agreed and they hid under the chair watching the girls. It didn’t take long before they noticed that after a few dances the girls made their way into a door back by the bar.

Mealvadev pointed out the door and said, “That’s where we need to head. Come on.” He started to walk out into the open when Roxie pulled him back by the arm.

She pointed up to the bouncer who had stopped searching for them, but stood just a few feet away as if to say, ‘crushed under a boot remember?’ She looked the green man in the eyes and asked, “I know leprechauns have some interesting powers, can’t you get us back there without getting killed?”

Exhausted at the pixie’s lack of nature spirit knowledge he centered himself and calmly explained. “Yes, I have some cool powers as a leprechaun. But, no, I can’t magic us back there.” His temper started to flare a bit as he flung his arm in the direction of the door. “I can transfer us from this reality to another, but there has to be one around to do that. I can send us into a television and exist within the on air frequencies. I could transport us into a newspaper or comic book and we could exist in the printed pictures. But, there is nothing here. There is no way to move us across this room.”

Roxie thinking she had the idea of lifetime, “What about cell phones?”

“If we do that and someone makes a call we could end up anywhere. We just need to sneak across to that door.”

“I’ll be damned if I am risking my cute little body with that monster out there trying to stomp our lives out!”

The two went silent as they tried to devise a way across the dangerous landscape that was a strip club floor. As their silence came about the sounds of the room filled their ears. The thumping of the music, the groans of the men, and the flirtations of the girls. The leprechaun sat down and watched one of the girls speak to the man sitting in the chair directly above him. He lost himself a bit as the woman danced just inches away, imagining the things he was missing due to his current perspective of the room. He watched her heel slide up next to the man in the chair’s and imagined how she was grinding into his crotch. The music moved the vision he saw in his head and just as he was about to get a little bit too into his fantasy he was hit on the head by a bra strap. He shook away his daze and looked at the massive bra that lay right next to him.

He pulled it under the chair the slightest bit backhanded Roxie in the arm. Annoyed she turned to him, but any rage that was brewing within her quelled when she saw the green man climbing into the bra. He had pulled away some of the lace that covered the flesh toned padding as if he was crawling into a sleeping bag. She was put at ease that the little man had accomplished something however small and joined him in the bra to make their getaway to the back room.

Snug in between the padding and the lace Roxie and Mealvadev laid frozen in position. Mealvadev in the left side, Roxie in the right they peered up at the ceiling waiting for their ride to get going.

Roxie started the conversation back up as she watched a woman rub a man’s crotch looking to give another dance, “So, honestly, why is it that you were so into Dina that you didn’t even notice me?”

The leprechaun shifted the small amount he could in his lace cocoon trying to get a look at the pixie. “I don’t know.” He paused feeling slight butterflies in his stomach realizing that this is the first time she had really allowed herself to be a bit vulnerable. “She’s a nymph. You see it too right? They are the most sexual and alluring creatures in the universe other than a siren. It isn’t that I didn’t notice you.”

“Right. She is a nymph and I am not. I get it.” Roxie would have crossed her arms in annoyance if she could have moved.

“You could have been a nymph. Why did you stay a pixie?”

“I didn’t say I wanted people drooling over me. I just wish I would be noticed. Why can’t I be someone that is desired?”

“No, you are taking it all wrong.” The leprechaun rolled his eyes as he decided to take a risk and deal with any kind of embarrassment if it backfired on him. “Look, I am not a catch and I know that. I am not even a good leprechaun. Why would I get my hopes up and assume a beautiful pixie would even consider me?”

The pixie relaxed feeling a little at ease with the conversation. She smiled to herself thinking maybe Mealvadev wasn’t such a bad guy. She sunk into the padding of the bra feeling her emotions cool to a nice chilly temperature.

On the left side of the bra the leprechaun began to feel a bit of confidence and took a deep breath preparing to ask the pixie on a date when the bra was suddenly lifted into the air.

The sounds of goodbyes filled the air as the two spirits clutched the padding behind them. They felt the rush of speed tingle their cores as they were lifted to heights dozens times their own stature.

The woman who had finished her lap dancing tossed the bra up in the air over her head letting it spin end over end before it fell back down into her hand. She wrapped the around her ribcage clasping the device in an inconspicuous and suave way. She leaned over and kissed her customer on the nose as she slid her breasts into the cups.

There was an instant fear for both Mealvadev and Roxie as they were pressed relentlessly against the lace. The tight fit of the apparel allowed them no breathing room as the blue pixie contemplated if being crushed by the bouncers shoe would have been more endurable.

Mealvadev was being pressed into a near backbend as the woman’s nipple shoved into the small of his back. As the woman began to walk towards the mysterious door the breeze of the movement chilled his flesh that was visible through the lace while the other parts were being pressed so hard he feared he may be dissected through the small diamond shaped holes.

Each step the woman took caused the massive mounds to bounce against the bra forcing the being harder into their netted death trap. Five steps in the room for wiggling was gone. Ten steps, halfway to the door and their lungs were pressed past the point of bringing in anymore oxygen.

The woman paused for a moment to speak to another client. Roxie could feel the netting pulling her skin to the side, yanking at her cute red hair and stretching the limits of her face. Mealvadev croaked out a short, “Hang in there.” But, it was no use, Roxie passed out from the lack of air.

As the leprechaun watched the conversation between the woman and her new customer he could sense that she was going to give another dance before heading to the back. She turned to put an arm around the man facing Mealvadev towards the bar. He could see the whiskey on the top shelf and all he could hope for was to make it to his next drink.

The giggles of the woman working her magic caught his attention as he tried to keep conscious. Suddenly the customer reached over and squeezed the woman’s left breast pushing the pressure of the leprechaun’s body to its limits. His eye’s bulged while the netting cut into his nose. He was lucky the customer grabbed around him instead of crushing him directly.

The woman let out an angry voice, “You bastard!” She slapped the man and sprinted to the back room. The door had barely closed when the bouncer apprehended the client and Mealvadev faded out into the dancing stars of unconsciousness.